A Year Ago Today

This time last year, I was celebrating my 30th birthday. It was an eventful day, and not just because I had officially entered my 30s. There was a hilarious victory, a hilarious defeat, and a delicious meal. In that order. Oh yes, and I should mention that I was in an unnamed Sicilian town with two girlfriends, because the setting is important. Being able to take a cheapo flight to Sicily is one of the best things about living where I do.

The hilarious victory

The day before my birthday, we had left our car (a rental) in a parking lot that seemed completely legitimate at the time, given the hundreds of cars parked in it. We spent the day on one of the Aeolian Islands, hoping to encounter the god of the winds (it was pretty hot). Instead we encountered Alessandro the insistent yet friendly taxi driver, but that was good enough. When we returned, we found to our dismay that we had been given a parking ticket. But this was no ordinary parking ticket. At the top of the page was a grand seal. The ticket was from the Ministry of Infrastructures and Transport. We were in trouble with the Italian State. Apparently we had parked on State territory and let’s just say that the fine reflected the gravity of our crime.

The last thing I wanted to do on my birthday was spend the morning sorting out a parking ticket and paying more money than we had budgeted for. But since there was no indication on the ticket of what to do next, no number to call, no office to visit, we were at a loss. That evening we tried not to think about it. The next morning, hearts heavy, we went to the tourist information office to ask for some guidance.

The woman in the tourist office had a lovely Sicilian accent and I was immediately enchanted. I handed her the fine and explained our plight. She read it over, perplexed, and then picked up the phone. “I’ll figure this out,” she reassured us. My friends and I exchanged amused glances at the fact that she knew exactly whom to call.

When she had put down the phone, she told us that we had to go visit the Italian Coast Guard office near the parking lot that was the scene of the crime, as they were the ones behind the fine. “But listen,” she said sotto voce, leaning forward with a conspiratorial air, “I’ve told them you’re three innocent foreigners who speak no Italian. When you get there, act like you have no idea what’s going on. If they insist you pay the fine, pretend you have to go get the money from a cash machine. Be sure to look distraught. I’m sure they’ll let you off the hook.”

I was a little nervous about confronting the Coast Guard officers and pretending that I spoke no Italian but I wanted to have faith in our accomplice’s advice. I had a feeling that this was a woman who knew how to work the system to her advantage. It was worth a try.

It was a long walk  to the headquarters and it gave us plenty of time to rehearse our best looks of utter confusion. Finally we arrived, took a deep breath, and walked in, looking as distraught as possible.

Our arrival seemed to cause quite a stir. We were told to go into a specific office (how cruel we were, forcing everyone to attempt to use their very rusty English) and once there, we walked in on some officers sitting around, apparently doing nothing. I couldn’t blame them, given the heat and the obvious lack of any real work to be done. Everyone turned and stared at us. There was awkward silence. “Who are these distraught foreigners?” they must have been wondering.

Seated at the desk was the officer in charge. Now, this is an important point to make: this officer was hot. I won’t get into the details, but I will say that he was a very fit, very tan Sicilian man in a crisp white uniform. I was nervous. “Hello,” I said meekly. “Um, we received this.” I thrust the fine in his face.

The Incredibly Hot Officer took my fine and read it over. I could hear the wheels turning in his head: “O cavolo, how do you say car park again?” was written all over his face. He mustered up the courage to produce his few words of English. “You park the car here… ehm…. yesterday?”

“Yes, yes!” I may have been a little too enthusiastic. “We left our car here yesterday morning. And we found the fine yesterday evening.”

“Ah!” he replied. A pause. “You go to the Isole Eolie?”

“The Isol… what? Oh, the islands? Yes, we took the ferry to the islands. Yesterday.” (I am evil.)

“Mm-hmm.” He pondered this for a while. We were sweating. I’m guessing that it made us look more the part.

Several seconds passed. We could feel the other officers burning holes into our backs.

Then Captain Hotness made a little wave of his hand. “Is no problem.” And he put the fine away.

It wasn’t difficult to pretend I was stunned. “Really? It’s OK?” I asked, incredulous.

“Is OK,” he repeated and he may have even smiled.

After numerous, exaggerated thank-yous and excited smiling we left the scene. And yes, once we were sufficiently out of earshot we laughed all the way back up to town.

So that’s what happened a year ago today. I could tell you about the hilarious defeat and the delicious meal, but this post is getting too long, isn’t it? Maybe next year, OK?

COMMENTS: Today I just wanted to tell a story, really. I suppose it counts as part of my creative practice. Although if it weren’t for the Incredibly Hot Officer I wouldn’t have had a story to tell! So thanks, IHO.

And you? What were you doing a year ago today? Got a better story than mine?